another week goes by, I’m back on nightshift, with someone fun, that makes the shift pass quickly and we know each other enough to work well together, I enjoy the night, sharing hopes and life events passes the night while we nut out problems and argue with supervisors who think they’re all that
then slowly as the time ticks by it dawns on me, a quiet niggle in the back of my head …… it’s Monday , could it be today? just maybe. Will I know today? possibly. what if it’s what I don’t want to hear? will I cry? will it upset me? will it be water off a ducks back? I tried, tick it off as complete, get on with life.
Do I even want it any more?
slowly little bouts of racing heart hit me and pass quickly. my shift ends, I’m driving home trying not to doze off…. it’s Monday ….. my heart races, I fight my closing eyes, let’s stay on the road. I pull into a sporting field carpark, head back, I give in to my need. with the ignition in accessory mode, they might call, hands free is best then I can drive when I’m ready.
I drift out, maybe a few seconds, this isn’t comfortable, I get out staying within earshot of the car, walk around a little then get back in and continue my drive…. what if they call? I’ll have to pull over, I’m fighting with my eyes again. AC COLD to the face…. nope no help, Window Down….. that helps, a little, just to the look out I promise myself struggling to maintain a line, this is a dead zone they couldn’t call if they tried
the lookout is so much further than I thought
the sign come up scenic lookout 200m
I pull in park again head back, I contemplate tilting the seat back too but it’ll be a pain to return exactly to where it is, I doze, this time maybe 10 minutes. I wake again with that racing heart beat. Check the phone, nothing. ok should head home
finally home, crawl into bed, plug the phone in, doze off, the heart races again ugh, every hour or two I wake and check the phone still nothing.
training apparently starts next week, my next lot of annual leave also starts next week…… I NEED TO KNOW