Brain Dumps

stuck at home

It seems walking for 4 hours in the pouring rain while wonderful to do is not such a good idea, Sunday night saw a slight tightness in my chest, like I get if I’ve been swimming all day, or have exerted myself in a workout, I figure its just my lungs being tired or something, Monday saw a bit of a husk in my voice and the odd cough Tuesday brought more cough and less chest, Wednesday brought in the sore throat briefley, Thursday extended on that….. total days of exercise this week 0 😦

today I decided not to go to work I’ve been working so hard on being there not taking sick days the “A team’ requires reliable people…. so far reliable I am not, I’ve been counselled every year for the last 3 over my absenteeism and lack of punctuality the punctuality I am improving on, I leave for work 2 hours before start time, even though the trip is just over an hour, I set two alarms, one an hour before I have to leave the other half an hour …. not much more I can do really

but the way I feel today I’m not going anywhere, the local Dr opens for a half day tomorrow, hopefully I can get in there

we are at a point again that I really wish I could just be at work all the time, he grump at her , he pokes an prods, trying to get him to do stuff with her

“TIDY YOUR ROOM”

“I need you to help me”

“FOR F… SAKE JUST TIDY YOUR ROOM YOU MADE THE MESS …. F…”

tears, I don’t interfere any more it just makes it worse, if I just harshly tell her to do something I am ribbed for it and he tells her in his way …. he calls it parenting, even occasions where I’m trying to help her he does this, SHE’S 4 SHE CANNOT BRUSH THE SPRING WIRE WE CALL HER HAIR it doesn’t matter I’m wrong to help her she is holding us up

I’m not allowed to parent apparently because I’m incompetent at it. When she climbs all over me and it gets too much and starts hurting me I send her to her room, he says all I do is yell at her and send her to her room without understanding why I do , he brings her out of her room, gives her treats tells her to stay away from me I’m grumpy … way to make me feel like shit.

she’s a heart breaker, she brings me her art to show me what she did at pre-school ….. look at this painting mummy, It’s you

Image

and this is you at the beach

Image

I really miss you mummy

can I come to the gym with you mummy?

can I come to work with you mummy?

I really love you mummy

 

My heart sinks, I can’t give her the time that she wants, and when I can I don’t know what to do I don’t have the energy, or the ideas, play feels so awkward, I’m not built for this mummy thing

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “stuck at home

  1. Oh Bee – its bloody hard work when you feel 100% , harder still when you arent well 😦 the fact the she has drawn those beautiful pictures for you shows how much she adores you and that there means you are a great mumma xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s